Why You're Still Single (For the Guys)
05 Mar 2011 · by Brennan Storr · Be the first to comment!
It’s been two weeks since I posted “Largely the Truth…about Why You’re Still Single (For the Ladies)". While a few readers have weighed in via e-mail with comments that range from “That was sexist” to “You’re a big jerk” to “Sleep with one eye open” (thanks, mom), I’ve paid them little heed. I have been too busy having rose petals thrown at my feet and throngs of adoring women shyly asking if they can touch my biceps (you may). Having brought harmony to the fairer sex it is time that I spread the fairy dust of my wisdom to Mars and usher in a new age of understanding between the sexes – the Age of Brenquarius.
What follows is Largely the Truth…about Why You’re Still Single (For the Guys):
Your idea of physical fitness stops at “lifting my legs so mom can vacuum under the sofa”:
No one asks that you be able to zest lemons on your abdominals but if you bought an XBOX Kinect “because it’s just as good as a gym membership” then you’re doing it wrong.
You think your hobbies are interesting to everyone:
While many women enjoy painting, they have little to no interest in swabbing "bloodthirsty red" model paint on the many robotic protuberances of a Warhammer miniature. In fact, most potential mates are going to be put off by any conversation which references the thousands of dollars you have spent on what amount to militarized Precious Moments figurines or distant lands which exist only in your computer.
You are looking for a woman to "take care of you":
You already had one of these - she was called your mother and she kicked you out too. Unless, of course, you are Italian, in which case your mother is reading this to you right now. If you cannot take care of yourself then you have more immediate concerns than finding a mate.
You try to get out of household chores by pretending you are helpless:
No one actually enjoys washing dishes or taking out the trash but if you've managed to put a plate back in the cupboard with half a chicken still on it or cut off your own hand trying to tie up a Hefty bag then you should take a long hard look in the mirror. Helplessness is only sexy if you are Faye Wray. You are not Faye Wray.
Your romantic aspirations revolve around your buddies' girlfriends:
Stepping outside your comfort zone to establish new connections is scary but even scarier is becoming known in your circle of friends as "The Creeper". It is no crime to befriend a buddy's significant other, after all if they are part of his life then they are, by association, part of yours, but using that friendship to subtly try and convince them you are the better option makes you a bastard of the highest order. Persisting in this behavior will ensure you remain not only single but eventually friendless as well.
You refuse to dress like a grown up:
There is a world outside full of women eager to meet men who already know that board shorts are not formal wear. Buy some shirts that button up in the front, retire the baseball cap and seek out a pair of shoes that don't look like they were stolen from a recently deceased vagrant. You could even try shining them.
You think that pornography is an accurate depiction of human sexual relations:
Female adult performers are paid to pretend that they are furniture with conveniently placed holes; in real life women get upset if you treat them like talking masturbatory aids. You may have noticed that, in pornography, the fun is over after Johnny Hung makes a mess of someone's makeup. In a shocking revelation, real life women have needs and desires that extend beyond your own gratification.
You say that all you need to be happy is a cabin in the woods far away from the world:
There are very few women who relish the idea of pursuing the rustic life once enjoyed by Henry David Thoreau and the Unabomber. Having generally more common sense than men, they are fond of such luxuries as indoor plumbing and not having to worry about being eaten by bears. Finally, you are just as much a child of the modern world as anyone - after one week of Walden you will miss SpikeTV and after three you will be attempting to fashion twigs, pitch and apricot stones into a pistol so that you may shoot yourself.
You believe women are only interested in tycoons and underwear models:
This is an excuse. Most good, honest gals respond to simple things: confidence, kindness and enough ambition to see you periodically part ways with the sofa. There is nothing sexy about you putting on the long face in the hopes that someone will choose you like a puppy at the pound. Likewise, no modern gal worth her salt has any use for a man whose only visible means of support is the chair in which he is currently napping.
You are indecisive:
You are a man – act like one. It is not necessary that you run around town lifting weights and punching waiters but, for God’s sake, assert yourself. It is one thing to “float like a leaf on the river of life” and quite another to be “bent over staring at the floor tiles of life’s shower room.”
And so ends the Largely the Truth…about Why You're Still Single. What do you think dear reader? Have I missed anything? Would YOU like to touch my biceps? The comments section beckons.